Speaking French and Big Penises

There is a particular technique to speaking French, which does not include actually knowing the French language. It's all in the pronunciation, folks. For beginners, it is essential to assume the proper mouth position. First, insert a grape into your mouth, but don't chew or swallow it, just hold it on top of your tongue. The grape is to assist you with the proper tongue positioning. Secondly, purse your lips up like a lemon-sucking old crone minus her dentures. Then wrap a rubber band around your lips to keep them in this puckered pose. If you don't have a rubber band, and I don't, you can cut off the open end of an expired condom (I do have one of those rolling around the bottom of my purse as you recall) and use that. It is essential that you force your words through the tiny opening left in your lips to achieve that atmospheric French sound. It doesn't really matter what language you speak, just so it sounds French. Once your lips are properly trained it is possible to remove the condom only reapplying it should you get a bit out of practice.

In wandering the streets, I found a Virgin Megastore which thankfully has a few English books of which I've bought just one, so far. There is also a large "international" bookstore of which a long and fruitless search proved to have no books in English. I wonder what the "international" part of the stores name means? In searching every little nook and cranny of this large store for a book I could actually read, I stumbled upon a book I could look at titled, improbably, "The Big Penis Book". After viewing the cover, I felt an almost overwhelming compulsion to make a closer inspection of this tome of obvious literary value, however the thing was 2 inches thick and must have weighed 7 pounds, so there was no slipping it into a copy of "Pride and Prejudice" to have a wee gander. My luck I'd drop the darned thing on the floor creating a huge ruckus and attracting all sorts of unwanted attention. Now for you disbelievers, please look this book up on Amazon.com and you will find that it is a true book featuring pictures of Big Ones mainly from the 60's and 70's. I wonder if the Copperas Cove Public Library carries a copy. I believe will visit the library the very minute I arrive home to find out.

My appetite these days is insatiable. I walk a lot and I am not sure if it is the exercise or perhaps the cold weather (a high of 50 degrees during the day) which has triggered my hunger, but I purchased and ate an entire loaf of cheese and walnut bread today. It made wonderful ham and tomato sandwiches. For the first time in a week, I am FULL. Fortunately my clothes continue to loosen almost imperceptibly, so I am obviously still losing weight, albeit slowly.

In walking to the Coop today, I crossed the street where the styling salon is located and, lo and behold, there was the Evil Stylist, standing outside the salon chatting with some ladies. It was all I could do not to nip down the street for a crusty, brown, 18 inch long baguette with which to beat her about the perfectly coiffed head and bony shoulders! Lucky for her, I didn't.