Friday

I am still fighting a cold. The temperature is between 50-60 degrees during the day, about the same as it is in Cortona, however I am freezing all the time. It doesn't help that my tiny courtyard only sees direct sun for about 10 minutes a day due to the high buildings surrounding it. It's also damp. I often have to brush the moss off my clothes drying on the rack outside before they're actually dry enough to wear. I am taking all my homeopathic remedies to fight my cold, but I am still sneezing, blowing my nose, shivering, and generally carrying on. I am going to FREEZE in Italy in November!

I decided to treat myself today by walking to a nearby bakery across the bridge and buying a Nutella croissant, but when I arrived they didn't have any. I got all excited for nothing! Perhaps tomorrow.

I walked down a different street today and found a lovely, wooden bridge from which to take some nice pictures of the river, edged by old and half-timbered buildings. As I focused my camera to take a shot, a tall, grey-haired man raced up, brushed past me and, when I moved to the side, fastened a metal chain across the street just to this side of the bridge. As I watched, the entire north-south facing bridge rotated slowly until it faced an east-west direction, so a glass-covered river boat could pass by. Very cool.

I found a small park upriver from the rotating bridge where I chose a sunlit bench on which to read my book. I was hoping to warm up a bit in the sun like a lounging cat, but there was a breeze from my back and I had to zip my sweatshirt and pull the hood up around my neck. I think I will need to buy a scarf or I will never survive the temperature change. I will also buy an undershirt that also doubles as a cellulite-reducing, constriction device. When I tried one on yesterday, I noticed that it was nice and warm, if a bit squeezy. I am still feeling very upset about my hair. It is so unflattering. I really have noticed that my self-esteem has deteriorated lately, even before the terrible haircut.

As I slowly reduce my protective layer of fat, I again feel exposed and vulnerable, and not nearly as attractive as I would like to feel. Where is my confidence? Why do I feel worse rather than better? Why do I know in my heart that I will always be alone, that I am still missing the mysterious something that makes most women feminine and attractive in some indefinable way? I seem to be failing in my goal to learn to love myself and I am discouraged at my apparent inability to change my thoughts of myself. All I can do is to keep struggling along trying to think positive thoughts. Please send me your positive thoughts and energy to help me get through this rough spot.