Beautiful Italian Shoes

It’s a well-known fact that my brother and I suffer from terrible foot odor, a genetic anomaly which I passed down to one of my children (name withheld to protect the guilty). In fact, a former co-worker went so far as to buy me a can of foot powder for Christmas one year. Fortunately, I have a well-developed sense of humor and I thought it was a hoot…it was also largely ineffective.

I brought 3 pairs of shoes with me on this trip, one of which already needed to be replaced, but were so comfortable I just had to bring them. All the walking I have done since arriving 5 weeks ago has worn that pair out, so I had to sacrifice them to the dumpster. This left me in need of a pair of shoes. Italy has some interesting shoes, many of which are modified tennis shoes, but with different designs and colors so they don’t actually scream, “AMERICAN ATHLETIC SHOES” like my name brand cross-trainers from home. I trotted down to the shoe store here in Cortona to peer at the choices and saw several pairs I liked in flashy silver and gold metallic colors. Maybe I can dance like little Claudia in a pair of those! I priced them, 59-129 euro ($94-$206, things are expensive here!), and thought I’d look at some shops in Arezzo before making a commitment.

After heading to San Gimignano and not finding Rita, I wandered the town fighting the crowds of tourists much like a salmon swimming upstream. I sat at an outdoor café and indulged in an eiskafe’; espresso, coffee-flavored ice cream, and whipped cream decorated with a wooden pick with a spill of metallic multi-colored streamers attached to the top rather like a miniature fireworks display which I kept because it makes me smile.

I poked in and out of shops and found some more beautiful Italian cards to bring home. I have 5 boxes now…Italy is known for beautiful papers and stationary and I simply cannot resist them. I also ran across a couple of shoes stores and decided to be brave and try some on. I liked two pairs, but decided to think about it as they were quite expensive. When I returned to the shop the girl who’d helped me was gone for the day and the other staff could not locate this one particular pair of shoes. They were the same style as a pair in the window, but rather than the plain canvas fabric, they had an embroidered shimmery fabric insert. I was persistent and asked the nice young woman to look through ALL the boxes in my size, and sure enough, she found them!

When I returned home I found a manual in the shoebox telling me, in 5 languages, all about my new shoes. If I’d known I was going to get reading material in addition to shoes, I’d not have bothered to buy that last annoying paperback book. The booklet informed me that I had just purchased revolutionary shoes that breathe, a fact illustrated by a picture of a shoe with steam issuing forth from the sole. Apparently, feet are one of the areas of the body with the highest concentration of “sudoriferous glands” at 366 per cm2 which assist the body in thermoregulation. Alarmingly, the bikini area of the female figure pictured has a similar concentration of sweat glands, but we’ll pursue that topic another day. The next page explained that our feet produce 100 liters of sweat per year and the rubber soles on shoes cause condensation much like a plastic bag tied ‘round the foot. This information was accompanied by a picture of a foot in a plastic bag. Now, this reminds me of my childhood in the harsh Wisconsin winters. When my brother and I went out to play snow often filled our boots causing wet feet so my mother took to putting plastic Wonder Bread bags, decorated with brightly colored circles, around our feet over our socks before putting on the snow boots. The combination of a hot and toxically smelly foot inside a Wonder Bread bag inside a pair of vinyl boots for an extended period of time probably explains why the brightly colored circles on those bags mysteriously turned brown, and vaporized right off the bag.

These Italian miracle shoes are designed with a special microporous membrane which expels perspiration without letting water enter. I can almost visualize the bad odor being pumped out of each shoe with every step causing nearby plants and flowers to wither and die as I walk past. It’s rather like farting in that respect. I must be cautious not to walk near any cash crops in those shoes or the noxious fumes could result in a loss of revenue for the farmer. For instance, if I were to take a tour of some of the vineyards near Montalcino, the only place in the world where Brunello wine is be made, my flatulent footwear could cause the loss of much of the Sangiovese Grosso clone grape harvest ruining the economy of a small town, and changing direction of Italian agriculture. Mio Dio! My feet could change history!