I drove to San Gimignano for the second time in hopes I would find Rita at work at the gallery. Unfortunately, she was not there and the woman who working was unable to understand or answer my questions about when Rita would be back. I guess some encounters are just meant to be one time interactions. I was pretty let down as I am finding that I have a need to connect to people again and I really liked Rita.
Over the past 2½ weeks I’ve noticed that I seem to be returning to a childlike state. Like a primitive larvae, I am raw, unprotected, and vulnerable. It’s a scary feeling as I have always been independent and self-sufficient, with my barrier of fat to protect me. I find that being overweight is a wonderful, if semi-effective filter. Many people don’t care to look beyond the exterior to get to know me and that way I don’t have to ever have to confront the possibility that they will hurt or disappoint me. Now, as I am slowly losing weight and am in a situation where I am identified by the ways I am different: appearance, body type, dress, behavior, language, culture; it’s as though I am peeling away layers of the old me. I am unsure of myself in ways I never have been before. Is this my annual seasonal depression? Are these feelings the result of my body’s natural rhythm or the hormonal changes I am undergoing as my body gives up its ability to do what is unique to women, sustain another life? Or could this be a rebirth into a new life, like a caterpillar spinning a cocoon to protect itself as it changes into a creature of light? Will I emerge from this state of suspended animation or simply cease to be?
I fight tears many times these days. Perhaps I should give in and just have a good cry to release all that needs to be released. Somehow I seem unwilling to give in and let go. I am constantly reminded that one of these days some tiny thing will send me over the edge. I need to hike up to visit La Santa and beg her protection while I am in this neonatal stage, tender, curled around myself to conceal my vital organs.
I am very appreciative of the emails and words of encouragement I receive from friends and family back home as I undergo what I hope is a transformation.
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1 comment:
Amy, I am sure by the time you receive this, it may not warrant any merit, but here goes... Have yourself that cry! Let it wash away the feelings that may have you down, run and leap over that edge and spread your wings, for you are a butterfly! Others around you know what a wonderful person you are, you need to feel it too, and if it takes having a good old fashioned cry to clean out some space for new, improved feelings, then I'm all for it! I hope you are too! Personally, I don't think I could go to all the glorious places you are going and not be moved to tears, but I am a softie at center, loud, at times obnoxious, shy-who said that, and a softie. But hey, let your feelings out. Once out there there out there, who knows, it could help- and it can't hurt! Just remember the soft tissue- the rough stuff will leave your nose chaffed! Love the writings, sorry I have'nt been back sooner, will try to keep up! Debra
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