Televisione

Now that I no longer have a rental car at my disposal I find I have more time to watch TV at various times during the day.

First, there are a series of those frenetic musical variety shows hosted by hairy-chested men with black, pompadour-styled hair, a la Wayne Newton. Similar shows feature prominently on Telemundo in the United States and Mexico.

Flipping channels, I next encountered the “All Music” channel hosted by 3 DJ types. One handsome, clean-cut, and silver haired; another featuring long, lank hair and a pair of those black plastic “birth control” glasses favored by the U.S. Army in the 1990’s, and finally; a shorter man, in need of a good shave who liked to assume a “man in charge” posture by leaning back in his chair, stretching his legs out in front of him, and putting both hands behind his head to give the audience a good, long look at his manly armpits. I changed the channel.

Next up was a talk show something like “Regis and Kelly.” Now, this one was a bit more interesting as it had two hosts, a vertically challenged, bald man and an extremely tall, blonde woman. This talk show has a game show portion whereby callers call in, select one from a display of photos of celebrities each concealing an envelope, in an attempt to win one of the prizes displayed on stage. All proceeded without a hitch until a man identifying himself as “Signor Cipolla” called in. This caused frowns and a great deal of confusion as the hosts tried to ascertain whether they were actually speaking with a man named “Mr. Onion”. When the caller shared his first name of “Pietro”, the hosts appeared much relieved, and the strangely named Mr. Onion went on to win an espresso machine with a value of 160 euro.

Later, quite by accident, I stumbled upon an infomercial for the Max Personal Trainer, which features two handles for balance, and a platform on which one stands. When activated, each side of the platform alternately moves up and down about a ½ inch creating, at high speeds, an extreme vibrational effect. First, we observed a muscle-clad man in a semi-crouch whose legs were moving up and down so rapidly on the Max Personal Trainer that he appeared to be trying to pedal a tiny tricycle up a large hill. Next, there were a variety of people whose legs were moving at various speeds, and then finally, viewers were treated to a close-up of a very firm and well-rounded set of female buttocks wearing a string bikini. The buttocks were moving with such speed and ferocity that they had the look of two cats fighting to get out of a very small sack.

Evenings have their own special line-up, featuring many American shows which have been dubbed in Italian. My personal favorite is a show much like the show hosted by Howie Mandel featuring briefcases with varying amounts of money each held by an attractive model, and a contestant who hopes desperately that they’ve chosen the briefcase containing 1 million dollars. The Italian version varies slightly, in that large gift boxes secured with sealing wax are held by a variety of everyday people, men and women. Whereas the American version goes for glitz, glamour, and over-the-top contestants, the Italian version goes for DRAMA. As each box is unsealed the host dramatically opens the box a smidge and pastes his eye to the tiny crack for a little peak. He then closes the box and assumes a hang-dog expression while sad violin music plays. The tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife and contestants cry frequently while the host droops forlornly over the podium in front of them. The whole affair is highlighted, inexplicably, with the addition of a large stuffed red pepper, and the emergence of a small battery-operated dancing chicken who often “shakes his tail feathers” thus relieving some of the accumulated tension.

I think I’ll read a book tonight.