Goodbyes

A year ago I expressed a desire for opportunities to meet new people and increase my circle of friends. Shortly after, my wish was fulfilled in a most overwhelming way! I was offered a new job at Central Texas College as the Quality Assurance Manager of the online education program, where I made the acquaintance of a wonderful group of people. I was welcomed with opened arms by the members and faculty of the Distance Learning department and Central Texas College, including my Supervisor, Mary, who is truly one of the nicest people one could ever hope to meet. Mary's kind manner and gentle faith make her an inspiration.

Yesterday, I said, "goodbye" to this wonderful group of people with no small amount of sadness, but I will always carry them with me in my heart.

The Universe can be so gracious in providing an abundance of whatever is needed. I have only to ask...and to believe. It's the believing part that can be difficult. Believing that what I desire will come to pass, believing that I am worthy. Perhaps that's where faith comes in. It's faith that allows one to confront their own shadows, knowing the demons will be defeated, and light will come.

I have listened to others for too long...what they thought of me; believed of me. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy...you allow yourself to be what others say you are. In the past I have given up on myself and allowed others to have control of how I feel. No more. I will take back my own power and faith in myself and the good of the Universe. I am worthy of all wonderful things and I know they will come.

Only 5 days until my departure and I've learned my elder son has made an unfortunate decision which will have some long term ramifications for him. I have many worries for this child, trying desperately to be an adult, yet seemingly lacking the decision making ability to really think with maturity. I have cried many tears for this beautiful and talented young man who has chosen to walk such a tough path. As a mother, I want to care for him and make everything right, but I know I must let him learn his lessons and remember that his choices, good and bad, are not a reflection of me. Parenting is the single most difficult thing I have ever attempted, and the one that makes me feel most like a complete and total failure. One day I hope to forgive myself for my inadequacies and mistakes as a parent and as a person.

After my poignant good byes at work yesterday, I traveled to Austin for my final conversational Italian language class. Learning even a tiny bit of Italian has been a big challenge! Languages simply don't come easily to me as they seem to for some. I am always awed by those who speak two of more languages fluently. They seem somehow to just absorb the language through their skin, through some sort of osmosis, while I struggle to retain and regurgitate the simplest phrase. In class, I find myself rehearsing my answers over and over in my head before I dare to utter a word. How will I fare in Italy? I will thrive, like a flower once wilted, which awakes after a gentle yet nourishing rain. Somehow I know this journey will nourish my soul.