A year ago I expressed a desire for opportunities to meet new people and increase my circle of friends. Shortly after, my wish was fulfilled in a most overwhelming way! I was offered a new job at Central Texas College as the Quality Assurance Manager of the online education program, where I made the acquaintance of a wonderful group of people. I was welcomed with opened arms by the members and faculty of the Distance Learning department and Central Texas College, including my Supervisor, Mary, who is truly one of the nicest people one could ever hope to meet. Mary's kind manner and gentle faith make her an inspiration.
Yesterday, I said, "goodbye" to this wonderful group of people with no small amount of sadness, but I will always carry them with me in my heart.
The Universe can be so gracious in providing an abundance of whatever is needed. I have only to ask...and to believe. It's the believing part that can be difficult. Believing that what I desire will come to pass, believing that I am worthy. Perhaps that's where faith comes in. It's faith that allows one to confront their own shadows, knowing the demons will be defeated, and light will come.
I have listened to others for too long...what they thought of me; believed of me. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy...you allow yourself to be what others say you are. In the past I have given up on myself and allowed others to have control of how I feel. No more. I will take back my own power and faith in myself and the good of the Universe. I am worthy of all wonderful things and I know they will come.
Only 5 days until my departure and I've learned my elder son has made an unfortunate decision which will have some long term ramifications for him. I have many worries for this child, trying desperately to be an adult, yet seemingly lacking the decision making ability to really think with maturity. I have cried many tears for this beautiful and talented young man who has chosen to walk such a tough path. As a mother, I want to care for him and make everything right, but I know I must let him learn his lessons and remember that his choices, good and bad, are not a reflection of me. Parenting is the single most difficult thing I have ever attempted, and the one that makes me feel most like a complete and total failure. One day I hope to forgive myself for my inadequacies and mistakes as a parent and as a person.
After my poignant good byes at work yesterday, I traveled to Austin for my final conversational Italian language class. Learning even a tiny bit of Italian has been a big challenge! Languages simply don't come easily to me as they seem to for some. I am always awed by those who speak two of more languages fluently. They seem somehow to just absorb the language through their skin, through some sort of osmosis, while I struggle to retain and regurgitate the simplest phrase. In class, I find myself rehearsing my answers over and over in my head before I dare to utter a word. How will I fare in Italy? I will thrive, like a flower once wilted, which awakes after a gentle yet nourishing rain. Somehow I know this journey will nourish my soul.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
Travels with My Mother
I first encountered Tuscany in September 2007. My mother had, for a number of years, dreamed of traveling to Tuscany, and somehow her passion became mine. I proposed the idea of a joint excursion in March of 2006, and after she read some sample tour itineraries, she became as excited as I. I researched tour possibilities exhaustively, because that's what I do. I plan! We hadn't traveled together since I was a teenager, so this was a new experience for us both. Because my mother is "gently aged", and I was down with a excruciating case of Plantar Fascitis, we elected to take a Elderhostel tour for mature adults. It promised an interesting and educational tour of Tuscany with only a moderate amount of walking. It was a wonderful trip, however my mother's overriding memory is of the large and strenuous hills we climbed with exhausting frequency. Now, because I am a kind and considerate daughter, I resist the urge to point out the fact that the name of the tour was in fact "Siena and the HILL TOWNS of Tuscany." Climbing all those hills certainly whetted our appetites for a variety of traditional Tuscan foods. Ahhh, the food...now I could digress into a discussion of the gastronomical delights offered by the Tuscans, but I won't. Why not? Well, because I'd like to take a moment to discuss Spanx.
What are Spanx, you ask? Well, Spanx is just another word for girdle, and girdle is just another word for torture. After eating a variety of waist expanding Italian dishes, I had to resort to shoe-horning myself into a pair of Spanx, just to get my pants buttoned. Makes me wonder why they're called "Spanx". Perhaps it's because when trying to wrestle oneself into a pair of these unfortunate numbers, the elastic has a nasty habit of slipping from betwixt fumbling fingers and snapping painfully against tender body parts which haven't seen the light of day in decades. And, heaven forbid, if one is not completely dry before attempting to squeeze into a pair of Spanx, one has to resort to a series of violent contortions and hip gyrations worthy of a cheap Elvis impersonator who's being paid by the wiggle...minus the bell-bottomed jumpsuit and rhinestoned sunglasses, of course. At the moment I am anticipating 8 months of freedom. No pantyhose, no skirts...and no Spanx!
What are Spanx, you ask? Well, Spanx is just another word for girdle, and girdle is just another word for torture. After eating a variety of waist expanding Italian dishes, I had to resort to shoe-horning myself into a pair of Spanx, just to get my pants buttoned. Makes me wonder why they're called "Spanx". Perhaps it's because when trying to wrestle oneself into a pair of these unfortunate numbers, the elastic has a nasty habit of slipping from betwixt fumbling fingers and snapping painfully against tender body parts which haven't seen the light of day in decades. And, heaven forbid, if one is not completely dry before attempting to squeeze into a pair of Spanx, one has to resort to a series of violent contortions and hip gyrations worthy of a cheap Elvis impersonator who's being paid by the wiggle...minus the bell-bottomed jumpsuit and rhinestoned sunglasses, of course. At the moment I am anticipating 8 months of freedom. No pantyhose, no skirts...and no Spanx!
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Recovering
Just 2 1/2 weeks until my departure and I have been brought low by a bad case of food poisoning or some other hideous intenstinal upset. Packing, cleaning, and errands have all taken a back seat while my body tries to recover its strength. Even my prevalent self-esteem issues have faded into the background. Amazing how Mother Nature can, in a matter of hours, minutes, seconds even, reduce you to your most basic element...simply a living, breathing shell in need of rest and recuperation.
Its been a year of many illnesses for me. I am a diabetic and the insidious nature of that disease weakens the immune system making it difficult to fight off all manner of colds, flu, and infections. My body is demanding that I take some time to renew and rest and my mind tells me the same.
It seems that my whole life I've fought feelings of unworthiness and of being unloved. Funny, how someone whose name, Amy, means "Beloved" has never felt so. I know now that those feelings of love must come first and foremost from within, from some inner reservoir yet undiscovered and untapped. Italy is the place to find love, or so I've always heard, so it seems a good place for me to fall in love......with me. Yes, that means falling in love with the overweight body, and the less than perfect face, I'd years ago learned to despise. I think I was in 4th grade when it was brought home to me that I was not as pretty as other girls. My nose began to outgrow my face and that snaggle-toothed grin, which I have to this day, began to establish itself. Once this realization sank in, I began overeating and my weight problem began in earnest. As an adult I accept full responsibility for the person I am. I can no longer lay blame on others. But, I can also choose to be someone new, and that choice I make, starting now.
I will give fair warning here, that this blog is a journal about me. It's not just a travel journal of my adventures in Europe, but a journal about my search for me...my quest for personal and spiritual fulfillment. It will be very personal and if that is off-putting I apologize. I suspect that many women will be able to relate to where I am in my life....as they either are right here with me, have been there in the recent past, or will be there soon. In many ways, I am every woman....and yet I am no woman. I am unique yet similar; fragile but resilient; broken but healing; lost yet finding my way. What an incredible journey this will be. Hang on for the ride!
Its been a year of many illnesses for me. I am a diabetic and the insidious nature of that disease weakens the immune system making it difficult to fight off all manner of colds, flu, and infections. My body is demanding that I take some time to renew and rest and my mind tells me the same.
It seems that my whole life I've fought feelings of unworthiness and of being unloved. Funny, how someone whose name, Amy, means "Beloved" has never felt so. I know now that those feelings of love must come first and foremost from within, from some inner reservoir yet undiscovered and untapped. Italy is the place to find love, or so I've always heard, so it seems a good place for me to fall in love......with me. Yes, that means falling in love with the overweight body, and the less than perfect face, I'd years ago learned to despise. I think I was in 4th grade when it was brought home to me that I was not as pretty as other girls. My nose began to outgrow my face and that snaggle-toothed grin, which I have to this day, began to establish itself. Once this realization sank in, I began overeating and my weight problem began in earnest. As an adult I accept full responsibility for the person I am. I can no longer lay blame on others. But, I can also choose to be someone new, and that choice I make, starting now.
I will give fair warning here, that this blog is a journal about me. It's not just a travel journal of my adventures in Europe, but a journal about my search for me...my quest for personal and spiritual fulfillment. It will be very personal and if that is off-putting I apologize. I suspect that many women will be able to relate to where I am in my life....as they either are right here with me, have been there in the recent past, or will be there soon. In many ways, I am every woman....and yet I am no woman. I am unique yet similar; fragile but resilient; broken but healing; lost yet finding my way. What an incredible journey this will be. Hang on for the ride!
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Getting Ready
After months of planning, the beginning of my adventure is almost here. What an enormous task it’s been to end my life here, if only temporarily, and prepare to start anew!
Because I am a “planner” I began packing my suitcase weeks and weeks ago for my April 2nd departure. It’s been such fun to decide what stays and what goes, however I keep finding myself constantly digging through the suitcase unpacking things which I hadn’t thought I’d need; coats, jeans, that favorite pair of walking shoes…. While I realize I can purchase many things at my destination, the high European prices and weak dollar mean that products cost 3 times as much there as they do here, so I want to take what I can reasonably carry. Unfortunately, airlines are tightening up their policy about the size and weight of checked baggage. Some of the European airlines, Germany’s Lufthansa for one, have a 50 pound weight limit. With that weight limit I might have to seriously consider jettisoning the clothes in favor of 50 pounds of chocolate. You can never go wrong with chocolate!
Money has also been a challenge. I normally carry traveler’s checks, however after consulting with my bank and being informed that they do not carry denominations larger than $100 I quickly realized that carrying $10,000 in traveler’s checks was going to be a nightmare, resulting in a 10 pound handbag which could double as a doorstop…or a weapon should I need to beat off an overly amorous, handsome European Casanova. Wait a minute, what am I thinking? Why on earth would I want to dissuade the advances of a handsome man??
Ultimately, I’ve decided to take some foreign currency in cash, a bit in traveler’s checks and I’ve left the rest in my bank account to be accessed by debit card. I also am taking two credit cards. Hopefully I have planned for every eventuality financially!
My adventure begins in the lovely Tuscany area of Italy. I visited Tuscany in September with my mother, and after 10 days I knew I wanted to return for further exploration. During our 10 day visit to Tuscany, I enjoyed the slower pace of Italian life. That savoring of family, friends, and food that the Italians do so well. Mom and I stayed in Siena during our visit, but made day trips to some of the surrounding hill towns like the city of towers, San Gimignano, and the epitome of beautiful urban planning, Pienza. One place I particularly liked was the medieval town of Cortona, made famous by the book Under the Tuscan Sun by Frances Mayes. Cortona, a lovely, small city high upon a hill with a panoramic view of the Tuscan countryside, has that homey feeling. Although I have read descriptions of Cortona as being “cold”, it felt warm and welcoming to me and I was thrilled to locate an affordable 2 bedroom apartment for rent on Craigslist.
Vacation rentals in Italy are shockingly expensive, easily running $3000-$4000 per month for a 1 bedroom apartment. I found this gem for a bargain price of 800 Euros, about $1300 per month, and once I began to correspond with the owner’s personable daughter, I knew I’d found my home away from home, for 3 months anyway!
Because I am a “planner” I began packing my suitcase weeks and weeks ago for my April 2nd departure. It’s been such fun to decide what stays and what goes, however I keep finding myself constantly digging through the suitcase unpacking things which I hadn’t thought I’d need; coats, jeans, that favorite pair of walking shoes…. While I realize I can purchase many things at my destination, the high European prices and weak dollar mean that products cost 3 times as much there as they do here, so I want to take what I can reasonably carry. Unfortunately, airlines are tightening up their policy about the size and weight of checked baggage. Some of the European airlines, Germany’s Lufthansa for one, have a 50 pound weight limit. With that weight limit I might have to seriously consider jettisoning the clothes in favor of 50 pounds of chocolate. You can never go wrong with chocolate!
Money has also been a challenge. I normally carry traveler’s checks, however after consulting with my bank and being informed that they do not carry denominations larger than $100 I quickly realized that carrying $10,000 in traveler’s checks was going to be a nightmare, resulting in a 10 pound handbag which could double as a doorstop…or a weapon should I need to beat off an overly amorous, handsome European Casanova. Wait a minute, what am I thinking? Why on earth would I want to dissuade the advances of a handsome man??
Ultimately, I’ve decided to take some foreign currency in cash, a bit in traveler’s checks and I’ve left the rest in my bank account to be accessed by debit card. I also am taking two credit cards. Hopefully I have planned for every eventuality financially!
My adventure begins in the lovely Tuscany area of Italy. I visited Tuscany in September with my mother, and after 10 days I knew I wanted to return for further exploration. During our 10 day visit to Tuscany, I enjoyed the slower pace of Italian life. That savoring of family, friends, and food that the Italians do so well. Mom and I stayed in Siena during our visit, but made day trips to some of the surrounding hill towns like the city of towers, San Gimignano, and the epitome of beautiful urban planning, Pienza. One place I particularly liked was the medieval town of Cortona, made famous by the book Under the Tuscan Sun by Frances Mayes. Cortona, a lovely, small city high upon a hill with a panoramic view of the Tuscan countryside, has that homey feeling. Although I have read descriptions of Cortona as being “cold”, it felt warm and welcoming to me and I was thrilled to locate an affordable 2 bedroom apartment for rent on Craigslist.
Vacation rentals in Italy are shockingly expensive, easily running $3000-$4000 per month for a 1 bedroom apartment. I found this gem for a bargain price of 800 Euros, about $1300 per month, and once I began to correspond with the owner’s personable daughter, I knew I’d found my home away from home, for 3 months anyway!
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