Letters From Texas

I am here, at the edge of a precipice, ready to take a leap of faith and float on the winds of the unknown, trusting that previously undiscovered gossamer wings will unfold themselves and carry me gracefully and safely into another land. I am ready to dream.

At age 45 I found myself asking, "Is this all there is to life?" Is it enough to be a mother, a daughter, a Quality Assurance Manager? I am these things, yes, but is it enough or could there be more? Could I be more?

12 years ago, at the end of a 10 year marriage, I was hurt, angry, and bitter. Furious at the world and, most of all, myself. It still amazes me how horrible I could be and still can be to myself. I found myself in a terrible depression. The mind numbing kind which drains one of all hope. Somehow I struggled through each day, mainly because I had two dear little boys who needed me.

Then, about 6 years ago, I had an epiphany. A life defining moment. The proverbial good, long, hard look in the mirror. A friend forced me to face a hard truth. "You are the most clinically depressed person I know.", she said with concern, "And you won't get better without medication." Mind you, she was, and still is, a nurse, who has had much first hand experience with such things. I was taken aback! Clinically depressed? Medication? Me??

That was the first day of my trip back. I didn't like what my friend had to say and I was determined to beat my depression, and to do it without medication. I share this to help you understand how I've come to the place, the precipice of possibility, where I stand today. I do wish to say that I believe anti-depressants are an absolute God-send for many people and I am not averse to taking them, but hearing my friend's words gave me the determination and motivation to change my life and do it on my terms. My dear Kelley, how you've changed my life!

Now, I am embarking on the most exciting adventure of my life. I've tendered my resignation at the college where I've worked as a Quality Assurance Manager for the past 8 months, cashed in the rather meager retirement it took me 12 years to accumulate, and arranged for my ex-husband, Tim, to care for our two teenaged boys. I am going to Europe.

Lest you think I've undertaken this lightly, I want to assure you that in my newly discovered, middle-aged status, I have a carry-on stuffed with nearly 50 pounds of assorted medications, potions, and cure alls "just in case". There is nothing "light" about my carry on!